Hire That Man!

Mr. Mal Moore

Athletic Director

University of Alabama

Tuscaloosa, Alabama

RE: Football coaching search

Dear Mr. Moore:

You don’t know me from Adam’s house cat, but just like everyone else on the Internet interested in college football, I’ve got an opinion I’d like to share with you.

Do you remember that superb episode of Seinfeld where George Costanza finally acknowledged how abysmal his natural instincts were in dealing with decisions he faced everyday? He decided to deal with his realization of this by recognizing his instincts and then doing the exact opposite. Of course, as soon as he did that, everything went perfectly for him.

It culminated in George interviewing for his dream job with the New York Yankees. During the course of the interview, he was introduced to George Steinbrenner. Instead of following the craven path with the Yankees’ owner that every fiber of his being urged him to take, he proceeded to chew out Steinbrenner for a series of foolish decisions in owning his beloved Yankees. After a moment’s pause following Costanza’s diatribe, Steinbrenner cries out “Hire that man!”

Now, look at your situation. Your last four hires for the position of head football coach have been Dubose, Franchione, Price and Shula. Let’s face it – when it comes to hiring and firing, you are George Costanza.

So what do your instincts have you doing now? You’re chasing a series of big names, offering ridiculous sums of money and probably making all sorts of promises you’ll regret in six months, if not sooner.

Take George’s advice: do the opposite. Go find an assistant coach who’s bright and hungry, who wants to prove he can run a big time program and who will put up with the baggage that comes with the Alabama coaching job. He won’t cost you $3+ million a year, either.

Lucky for you, there’s such a guy just down the road. Hire Al Borges.

Not only do you get someone with all the attributes I just mentioned, but you also get someone familiar with SEC defenses and with how things are in your state. Even better, you kneecap your most bitter rival by taking its best assistant coach. You’ll probably get bonus points for screwing up Auburn’s bowl game preparations. And you wipe the smug smile off of every Auburn fan’s face that you’ve been seeing for the last two weeks, if not longer.

So ignore that little voice inside you’ve been listening to for too long. Do the opposite.

Hire that man!

Sincerely,

Senator Blutarsky

The opposite, Mal, the opposite...

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