Shorter (UT Athletic Director) Mike Hamilton: Sure, there’s a fine line between being a dumbass and a sumbitch. Ask me if I really care if Junior crosses it.
Filed under Don't Mess With Lane Kiffin
GWOL (Global War on Lane) status report, (extended prize ceremony version), 12 February 2009:
Somewhere from the veranda of the President’s Mansion located deep inside the Green Zone of the UT campus, Knoxville:
0700: Monte commands the daily meeting of the Department of Fatherland Security to order. Makes Lane take muster.
All trooper assistant coaches happy to see daylight again during momentary ceasefire lull between NSD and SEC Spring Meetings in Destin. Monte pulled a bloodless coup yesterday, ousted the UT President and took over the President’s Mansion.
Monte tells troopers that he dispatched AD Mike Hamilton on a propaganda dog and pony show mission for a reporter from the Tennessean yesterday. The rollout of that disinformation seemed to have been going relatively well until the article was intercepted and parsed by an enemy correspondent, Senator Blutarsky.
Monte tells his troopers that, notwithstanding that breach of intelligence, he is going to make awards and give prizes for the outstanding job his troopers have done so far as assistant coaches because, by golly, they deserve them.
The “Not Being Stuck Inside of Mobile with those Memphis Blues Again” award goes to Lance “Sweet Home” Thompson for his excellent portrayal of an embattled assistant coach and embittered person in “Leaving Tuscaloosa on a Jet Plane.” Prize to Lance is a Revelle model airplane kit with a vintage collector’s item tube of Testors airplane glue with toluene.
The “Can’t You Hear Me Knocking” award goes to coach Eddie Gran for his superb undercover work as a covert agent in “Phishing in Pahokee for a Fax.” Prize is a Maxwell Smart doll and a book entitled, “How I Conquered the State of Florida” by Jeb Bush with foreward by Urban Meyer.
The “Memphis Blues” award goes to Coach O for his stellar performance with our most sought, but not got, recruit out of Memphis. Prize is book entitled, “How to Win Friends and Influence Grandmamas” by Head Coach Bobby Bowden with foreward by Head Coach Mark Richt and a bonus prize of a keelhauling of O the next time Monte takes the command yacht, The S.S. Rocky Top, out into the Tennessse River.
The Best “I’m a Cowboy on a Steel Horse I Ride: I’m Wanted Dead or Alive” performance with cinematograhy goes to Lane for his fine role in “I’m Going to Turn Him in Right Now, in Front of You.” Prize to Lane is another book, and it’s brand spanking new, “How to Know When You’ve Crossed the Fine Line From Being a Dumbass to Being a Sumbitch” by Senator Blutarsky with foreward by Head Coach Hal Mumme.
And the American Psycho Oscar for Most Reprimands Received and Violations Self-Reported goes to…..it’s a tie between Coach O and Lane. The prize is yet another book, “Addition By Subtraction” by Poincare with foreward by assistant coach Lane.
Before dismissing his assistant coach troopers, Monte tells them that there will, by God, be no exhange of gifts among the troopers and tomorrow they need to get ready to start and undergo SERE Drills, the first session of which will involve a board, a towel, water from the Tennessee River and a bamboo tiger cage.
Monte tells his troopers to dress Casual Friday because, depending on how quickly the assistant coach troopers get through the first part of the SERE drills, there may also be the use of hoods and tunics painted in matching Vol endzone checkerboard square patterns.
Except for Coach O, other troopers are excited. Rumor is that as a parting gift on his way out of Oxford, while they were trying to baptize him with water from the Mississippi River, O broke loose from the board restraints, and not only ate the soaked towel, but bit off the hand of the interrogator.
"I don't know if we were awake to start. You know, it was a noon kick.” -- Stetson Bennett, Dawgs247, 9/25/22
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