The AP ran another “Lane Kiffin – Crazy as a Fox!” story this weekend. The interesting part of this one is watching Johnny Majors triangulate. Majors will go to his grave hating Fulmer for what he perceived as a Greek-tragedy style back stabbing, so in his mind, any coach succeeding the deposed donut eater is a cause for celebration, but you get the feeling that Major’s giddiness is a little restrained by Junior’s antics to date.
Thus, we get a quote like this that is memorable simply for its hedging.
“I respect anybody who says what they believe as long as they back it up with what they say they’re going to do,” Majors said.
Way to cover all the bases there, coach.
Meanwhile, Monte’s waxing all nostalgic about the days when his charges approached football like a job, instead of being student athletes who actually have to take a stab now and then at, you know, being students. Curse your stupid rules, NCAA!
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UPDATE: That whole “recruits are talking about us” thing Junior pushes may not be as swell as he thinks, judging from this post of Michael Carvell’s where he gets some follow up observations from Brian Volger, who attended the notorious shirt-ripping hooha. Check out this quote from Volger:
“However, some of the other prospects and recruiting hosts brought it up,” Volger said. “They just couldn’t believe that happened, with coaches ripping off their shirts. They were all making fun of it, laughing.”
Is it supposed to be a good thing when seventeen-year olds are making fun of their elders like that? And while this line – “It was both fun and an awkward experience.” – was about Junior Day, it seems to capture the essence of the whole UT program right now. What the Laner has to worry about is if they’re still saying the same thing in a couple of years.
Get The Picture 
Global War on Lane (GWOL) status report (extended post-Friday the Thirteen February attack version), 9 March 2009:
Somewhere inside an underground bunker deep inside the Green Zone on the Tennessee campus in Knoxville:
0700: Monte commands the daily meeting of The Department of Fatherland Security to order. Makes Lane take muster of assistant coach troopers. Lane does and reports to Monte, “All present and accounted for, Sir!”
Between sips of his Grande Vanilla Latte from Starbucks brought to him by his trusted super hot blonde student intern, Layla Two, Monte tells Two to go to the ticker tape, get the latest daily intel report and bring it to him.
Two tells Monte that she already has the daily report and hands him a copy of it. Monte asks Two, “How do you get this so fast off the ticker?”. Two reminds Monte that she gets it from the series of tubes called the DSL and that the last good use of the ticker tape was in the Great Depression. Monte asks, “Well, aren’t we in a great depression now?”. Two says, “Well, of course we are but the DSL is still faster than the ticker.”
Monte reads daily report, blows his usual gasket, spits his latte, and yells, “This Senator Blutarsky guy just will not stop! He keeps piling it on day after day after day!”
Two reminds Monte that’s she’s told him time and time again that’s just the Senator’s job as an enemy correspondent and that she’s sure the Senator doesn’t mean anything personal by calling his boy a dick and would apologize to Lane or Monte, or both, if either of them was offended at being called a dick of a father of a dick.
Monte asks Two, “Who pays the Senator?”. Two says, “Well, if he’s a Senator he’s probably awash in bailout money anyway, so maybe it’s just a hobby, kind of like shooting fish in a barrel.” Monte thinks to self, “Is that how they fish in Georgia?”.
Monte says to Two and his assistant coach troopers, “After all, I kind of sort of tried to apologize in general for Lane about him calling Urban a cheater. I mean if anyone could possibly be offended by Lane calling him a cheater, Lane feels bad about it.” Lane pipes up from the back of the bunker, “I ain’t apologizing for any damn thing! I’m a Man! I’m thirty-two! I’m married to Layla!”. Monte tells Lane to hush up.
Monte tells his assistant coach troopers that from the cumulative intel that Two brings him every day, Senator Blutarsky’s terrorist cell out of the mountains of North Georgia operates under the name of “Get The Picture.”
To Monte this can only mean that the Senator must be a propagandist air traffic controller with some astrophysics training doing some type of sophisticated satellite or aerial recon to get pictures of Monte’s UT football operations and maneuvers.
Monte knows that for the Senator it’s a top secret op. The Senator runs such a tight ship that he never even allows any of his recon pictures to appear on the Senator’s website. Monte, while extremely aggravated by the Senator, gives him some gruding admiration but is still trying to figure out a way to terminate the Senator with extreme prejudice.
Lane and Coach O are sitting in the back row doing their usual meeting routine of not paying attention, grab-assing and acting up.
Monte asks Lane, “Now that you’ve calmed down son, don’t you feel bad about calling Urban a cheater, son?”. Lane smirks and replies, “Daddy, the only thing I feel bad about is getting caught not only on audio but videotape.” Monte wonders how did the Senator get into a booster meeting? Tells Two to tighten up on admissions credentials for booster meetings from here on out. We may even have an enemy from within so have Dien Bien Phu nstitute strip searches on all admittees to booster meetings from here on out.
Coach O chimes in and says something that sounds like, “The only thing that matters in the SEC is not getting caught!”, and starts leading the assistant coach troopers in singing, “Bad boy, bad boy, what you gonna do when they come for you!”.
O is actually attending his ordered English as a Second Language class so from time to time he is intelligble. Monte is surprised at how well O sings and is impressed that O is leading the troopers in song. Monte thinks that O must have honed his singing abilities as a boy at voodoo ceremonies in the Louisiana back bayous.
Bringing himself back to reality, Monte yells at Lane and O, “Just what in the hell did either of you pinheads learn from Pete at SC other than to take your shirts off, bounce around and do the Trojan Chant in front of recruits? By the way, some of you troopers need to lose some damn weight or tighten up topside, your man teats bounced around like Dolly Parton’s at the Junior Day here a week or so ago.”
Lane says, “Well, Pete taught us don’t get caught by the refs doing the throat slash gesture to the enemy on the other sideline.” Monte tells Lane, “Well, Pete learned that when he was caught as head coach of the Jets and pulled it against the Dolphins before he ever got to SC. Didn’t you learn anything else?”. Lane pauses and says, “Can I take a pass?”. Monte tells Lane and O to be quiet for the remainder of the meeting.
Monte, having heard what a ******* hit it was when Spur brought in Bobby to motivate the South Carolina players before their one spring practice, tells his assistant coach troopers that he is going to bring in Johnny Majors to do the same thing for them before the resumption of the next SERE drills this Friday.
One of Johnny’s topics will be fence building with razor wire on the top and Lane, Lance and O better pay close attention to that little topic because whatever the hell it is that they are doing can’t even keep Sabin or Richt out of Memphis.
Monte tells his assistant coach troopers that once SERE training resumes for them on the practice field this Friday the Thirteenth, The Department of Fatherland Security meetings will continue to be in the underground bunker until Building and Grounds can repair the President’s Mansion, which sustained some damage during the Air Cav attack launched last Friday the Thirteeth against Lane by Jeremy Foley and Urban. By the end of this week B & G will have completed clearing the practice field of unexploded munitions and re-sodding it after last month’s attack.
Monte also tells his assistant coach troopers to never wear Casual Friday head-to-toe All Vol Orange again because that is what distracted the Air Cav attack pilots from their primary mission target of the mansion to turn fire on them at the practice field. Monte says that not only do the All Vol Orange outfits make the assistant coach troopers that much more targetable, it makes them look silly, like Clemson.
Lane raises hand, Monte calls on him and Lane says, “What about head-to-toe Vol Checkerboard outfits? That will be good protective coloration for us when we are attacked inside Neyland. We can just run to end zone and stop, drop and roll!”. Monte says, “Brillant!”. Monte smiles self and thinks, no matter what enemy correspondents like this Senator Blutarsky think, my boy does have a good idea every once in a blue moon, doesn’t he?
Lane is happy to get Daddy’s approval for once but in the back of the bunker, Coach O is telling Lane that he should never lay down on a board even though Monte may order it because it can in no way, shape or form lead to a good thing. Lane asks why and O says, “Trust me! The good people of Oxford tried that on me on the way out of town and it was no fun whatsoever…for anybody.”
O looks and for the first time notices that Dien Bien Phu has entered the rear of the bunker and is quietly standing in the back corner. Phu smiles and waves at O who quickly turns to Lane and Lance and says, “I don’t have a good feeling about this Friday the Thirteenth SERE drill practice…”.
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Nicely played Dog in Fla. Baby Kiffing and crew have made the off season more interesting than any in recent memory.
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Dog in Fla…you need to be a stringer or something for EDSBS…I’m sure they would love this stuff as much as we do. Keep ’em coming!
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Nothing says homoerotic like getting naked with the Tennesee football staff.
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