In Junior’s world, repercussions aren’t part of the plan.
Now, if he can only get Saban and Meyer to agree on that…
Filed under Don't Mess With Lane Kiffin
Global War on Lane (GWOL) – Crisis of the Day (COD) Piece, (super-extended Casual Friday musical torture version) 14 August 2009:
Opryland Presidential Suite, Nashville –
‘Lollapalooza for Lane – Head Coach Pat Summit Orders Lane to Re-Education Camp’
While relaxing and sipping a bloody mary through a striped straw on the inner veranda of her Opryland Presidential Suite, Head Coach Pat Summit adjusts her Bluetooth and puts in a call to AD Mike Hamilton, who was just recaptured yesterday, and orders Hamilton to dispatch Lane stat to the old Ryman in Nashville for a one day re-education camp. Pat tells Hamilton this has to happen because Lane is just isn’t what she calls “Southern” enough.
Neither were The Hat and Nick when they barged into The SEC but they were a little more seasoned than Lane and didn’t manage to embarrass All the South All the Time like Lane. More importantly, neither was assigned to duty in Knoxville but even if they were, Pat thought she could have gotten along with either one of them.
The Hat’s crazy. Too much head knocking as an offensive lineman and probably too much time at Eskimo Joe’s while he was serving his forced apprenticeship in Hell at that garden spot named Stillwater where Oklahoma State is before Boone bought it and renamed as Boone T. Pickens Wind Mill U. So is T. Boone, but he doesn’t coach, he just buys one when he needs one. Now he’s got Gundy who like Nick, is a little Napoleonic and wound up tight. But Nick’s been around the block a few more times so he knows what’s going on. When you get your teeth kicked in by Louisiana-Monroe and then have the cajones to show up for work the next Monday, that says something. After all, he served his initial tour of SEC duty in the Third World Parish of East Baton Rouge, which bears no resemblance to civilization as we know it. Ms. Congeniality’s now stationed in Tuscaloosa which makes Knoxville look like Baghdad By the Bay.
Pat had to do with Lane the same thing she had to do with that Yankee, Bruce Pearl, and he’s so ate up with it now that he takes off his shirt, shaves his back, his neck, his chest, his arms, his elbows, his knuckles, lets the Vol girls paint the “T” on his sweaty chest and cheers at her games just like she told him to do. He’s a good boy. Now, anyway but not before she sent him to re-education camp like she’s going to do now with Lane.
Pat doesn’t even know for sure that Lane is a Yankee. As far as she’s concerned just coming from Oakland, in and of itself, is bad enough to warrant re-education of some kind, corporal or not. Pat really don’t cotton much to Left Coasters.
Pat thinks the music dealio will do it for Lane. She’s heard they did it at abu, Baghram and Gitmo and nothing happened to those administering the music torture, so why not do it to Lane? Nothing even happened to her when she had it done to Bruce. Heck, he was even #1 for a day or so afterwards. But not #1 all the time, like her.
Two sociopaths dressed like ninjas captured Lane in Dollywood, where he usually hides out now for all of his vacations and planning sessions. He resists, is hog-tied, then put on a helo with a delaminated blade and dropped down on a line into the north lot at the Ryman. Lane unhooked himself and ran away but they caught him trying to hide behind the banjo counter in the Gruhn Guitar building and dragged him inside the old auditorium and the re-education camp sessions start. Lane is transfixed by the stained glass on the west side of the building but they make him look away and tie him to a rocking chair on the stage under the WSM Grand Ole Opry banner. Lane has no idea whatsoever about what the Grand Ole Opry is and he is in for a big surprise. Layla Two walks out onto the stage dressed as Minnie Pearl. Lane asks her why she’s dressed like an old lady and tells her that he thought she quit yesterday. Two said she did but wanted to hang around for one more day just for this and she then tells him all the things she didn’t like while working for him as his super-hot blonde student intern. The ninjas untie Lane from the rocking chair, hold onto him, and LaylaTwo dresses him in a All-Vol Checkerboard End Zone pattern tunic, places a hood over his head, and they re-tie him to the rocking chair.
The first assault on Lane is for Lane to know when this happens, Lane just needs to start trying a little harder to get along better with the other SEC head coaches who just so happen not to really like him. Pat wants him to understand why http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hDPMJ5HJ3M&feature=related
Stopping Lane’s avalanche of secondary violations http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rvLeCMTofE&feature=fvw
And Layla One http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OxB1t2EEK0M
What Pat thinks about Layla One http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qy6kIQ_OKTE&feature=PlayList&p=29C9BB43C70C169C&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=21
And if that’s not good enough covers the same thing with some dancing girls who don’t seem to know any better http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WgbXuMnDxeI
Someone to teach Lane how it’s done down here in the broader geographical area that is the South http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D425x657NQk
How it’s done more locally in Nashville http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-zP_z0w1-A&feature=related
What’s going to happen if Lane can’t figure out what part of the country he’s in http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YdVhIbiIBC0&feature=fvw
Pat brings on the Funk to let Lane know exactly who Pat is to him http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fyF5J7au1jE
Where Pat is going to take Lane if he doesn’t quit stealing her thunder http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WgbXuMnDxeI
And finally what is going to be delivered unto Lane sooner if not later http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1tqxzWdKKu8
But last but not least, don’t try to get too Southern Lane because you know http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ToJ7veJLOUY&feature=related
After Lane promises not to buy any cowboy boots, they untie him from the rocking chair, take him to the downtown Greyhound station, buy him a one-way ticket to Knoxville, give him a box of vintage Goo Goo Clusters and a RC Cola to tide him over on the ride until he gets home.
Lane gratefully accepts the gifts, yells at his captors, “Thank y’all so much for everything y’all have done to me and for me,” and all of a sudden in a Stockholm Syndrome Patty Hearst kind-of-way starts singing to them http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PL-1T9g5-vU.
As the Greyhound loads up and heads back east to Knoxville, the two captors take off their ninja outfits and Urban and Nick call Pat telling her, “Mission Accomplished.” Pat smiles knowing that she has done her job, done it in a bipartisan manner and done it well. Next step, she’ll be having Lane shaving Bruce’s torso before the painting of the “T” on Bruce before her games but she then becomes reflective for a change, thinking what if Lane is not around by the time basketball season starts. Pat smiles and says to herself in a Pinky and the Brain sort of way, “Whatever, Hamilton will be gone with him.”
I stand in awe of Dog in Fla +1000
Thank you very much! While I don’t have a prepared speech, I couldn’t have done it without the help of all the malcontents here at Get The Picture filling my blank-slate mind with worthless ideas so I don’thave to think of them, The SEC AD’s who just keep hiring these guys and the docs who just keep trying to get my meds adjusted right. All I ask is that y’all just don’t move me to the storage section…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjYEVb-AhXg&feature=related
It seems like the Ufk fans have really jumped on the bandwagon…here is the link to buy season tickets to Ufk, just in case you were interested…
Subscribe in a reader
Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.
Join 1,953 other followers