Kiffin watch: the plan, the plan

Two good stories about Junior to share today.

From the Huntsville Times, we learn that Lane has developed the ability to predict the future.

Kiffin went so far as to say at a press conference today to promote the Chick-fil-A Bowl that the NCAA would not find any violations.

“This is something that’s had a lot of national run and a lot of media,” Kiffin said in this ESPN.com story. “What I compare it to is I go back to the Bryce Brown situation right before the season. That got a lot of national media attention and a lot of SportsCenter attention that the Tennessee staff had some involvement in some illegal recruiting of Bryce Brown and that Bryce Brown did something illegal.

“There was an investigation into that and there was no wrongdoing. I look for this to be the same exact situation. In the end, when the research is done and conclusions are made, the same result will happen.”

If you’re a Tennessee fan, it’s got to be tremendously thrilling to know that Junior’s got this all under control and that the plan keeps moving forward in its inexorable fashion.  So how come you’re going to the games in fewer numbers (h/t Team Speed Kills) than you were when Fulmer was the head coach?

The University of Tennessee failed to reach the six-digit mark in annual home-game football attendance last season for the first time since 1995, UT athletic director Mike Hamilton said Wednesday.

“I think our average attendance is going to be slightly under 100,000 for the first time in a while,” said Hamilton in an interview with the News Sentinel.

Seriously, how does Mike Hamilton keep a straight face these days?

Either he's doing his best Urban Meyer impression, or Lane Kiffin counts the number of empty seats in the south end zone of Neyland Stadium. (Photo courtesy AP)

6 Comments

Filed under Don't Mess With Lane Kiffin

6 responses to “Kiffin watch: the plan, the plan

  1. Scorpio Jones, III

    Ah, but Senator you fail to see the essence of the plan, which is to make room in the stadium for an enlarged Orange Pride retinue.

    Coach Kiffin obviously attended the “ridicule is better than ignoring me” school of public relations.

    Which makes this year’s loss to these buffoons even harder to digest.

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    • RC

      No doubt. We need to bring the hammer down on Lame-o this year, and get that series back under our control, pronto.

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    • Batdawg

      Silver lining, though, the loss to UT (and making Crompton look like Joe freaking Montana) was the final nail in CWM’s coffin

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  2. 69Dawg

    Just remember our O scored exactly 3 points against Monte and I don’t see us changing the O so I don’t see us beating UT until Monte is toes up.

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  3. Dog in Fla

    Global War on Lane (GWOL) Crises of the Day (COD) Piece, “Two Body Count Crises?” (Lauderdale Spring Break at Christmas and State of Atlanta bowl game planning extended version)

    1000 hours, ElboRoom, Ft. Lauderdale

    Lane, a teetotaler but not a Mormon, is in the banquet and planning room at the ElboRoom getting ready for his trip to Tommy Aquinas sometime today. The banquet and planning room is dark and dank this morning and has kind of an Edmund musky smell to it. Lane asks the waitress about it and she says that the B&P Room also serves as lap-dance room during primetime night hours so that’s probably what Lane smells over the aroma-therapy of Lysol spray disinfectant.

    Lane calls in to Layla Two back in the Green Zone to get the daily intel so he can be aware of the crisis of the day so he can conjure up a plan of the day to deal with the crisis of the day. Lane likes to stay on top of these things because he finds it easier to be the first, rather than the last, ahole to know about it. That way he doesn’t have to come up with counter-punches that make him look sillier than he actually is.

    Two tells Lane there are at least two crises of the day and they are separate and apart from one another. Lane says give him the easy one first so Two does. One, the Hunsvul daily planet has a quote from Lane the Predictor that the traveling hostess squad of Orange Dreamsicles crises are frou frou on the amazing Technicolor coat of Lane just like the Bryce Brown frou frou was. Lane asks if his name was spelled correctly. Two tells him yes. Lane being momentarily distracted by the bright and shiny object that is the ElboRoom cam tells Layla Two that he going to email her this link so she can see how fast things happen in Lauderdale…

    http://www.elboroom.com/FL/Webcams/index.asp

    over his Blueberry and tells Two to throw the ElboRoom cam link to Bruce Pearl who thinks he knows a thing or two about throwing elbows. Because Lane likes to get the local flava from wherever he is such as the blended aroma of muck, sugarcane and rot vapor coming off of Pahokee. Lane tells Two the weather is here, wish you were beautiful.

    Because Lane’s in South Florida he tried to connect with Buffet but was told that because Buffet was a Bama fan since he was a boy in Mobile and now owns some part of the Dolphins and the coliseum they play in, Jimmy doesn’t have time to deal with Lane’s sh!t even he had time. Then someone in the ElboRoom starts doing a cover of this one…

    Two hears it hangs up on him because she and everyone else already know she is super-hot beautiful and most certainly won’t have anything to do with Lane even if he wanted to which so far he has not probably because he’s scared of Layla One and of course child support which is not covered by any pre-nup. Lane calls her back and for the first time ever almost, but not quite, apologizes for something telling Two that the why don’t we get drunk cover was not directed to her because Lane doesn’t even drink and that she is much better looking than the St. Thomas Aquinas recruiting intern that Lane took out of the closet he has for an office up there and brought him down here to infiltrate the high school to get the studs up to the Green Zone. Well, mostly that’s going to be the job of the traveling squad of Orange Dreamsicles.

    Lane asks what crisis two is?

    Two says it’s the body count in Neyland. It hasn’t been this low since ’95 or so. And a lot of enemy correspondents are using that as evidence that Lane’s series of sequential plans is not going anywhere except backwards. Lane asks if it’s Body Count the heavy metal group or the rap song by Ice-T and Two says neither. Two says it is live audience customers in the seats for the battles inside the Green Zone or rather the lack of bodies in the seats. Even Phil did better and that really chaps Lane because he doesn’t like to think about Phil and especially so when it’s something that Phil was better at than Lane is. Then it comes to Lane that he remembers hearing Monte tell him about the body count in Landing Zone X-Ray.

    Lane’s dad has been in so many wars Lane can’t keep track of them…WWI, WWII, Korea, Nam, Panama, Grenada, Falkland Islands, 6 Day War, Iraq I, Iraq II, the Somali Pirate Fest and Afghanistan so when Monte talks war everybody STFU and listens. They should have given him the Nobel Peace Prize. Lane then asks Two who is above Hamilton in the chain of command and Two tells Lane the UT President is. Lane asks whether that’s Pat Summit and is greatly relieved to hear it isn’t. Lane asks Two a hypothetical what-if of who could it be that would be able to fire Lane for not keeping the body count up and Two says Pat Summit going to have the final call on it. Lane shudders and thinks when she lays the hammer down on him she probably won’t be singing Rocky Top way out of tune while costumed as a cheerleader…

    Lane thinks momentarily to himself, which he only allows himself to do in his unilateral planning sessions, that the end of his UT career in 20 years or so could be something like this involving the Tennessee marching band…

    In any event, Lane finishes his demitasse of Cuban coffee, chases it with some tomato juice, puts on his rollerblades and leaves the ElboRoom for some exercise which he needs to get away from it all. It’s hard work being a coach when your dad’s still MIA inside the Flora-Bama. The few Vietnamese who survived the shoot-out now act like they’ve been BFF with Monte.

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  4. Scooter

    Guys, no offense, it will certainly be a bitter pill to swallow if and when Alabama loses to Tenn. if Junior is still the coach. I personally think Junior will drive the Tenn. program into NCAA sanctions within a year.

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