If Harvey Updyke didn’t exist, we’d have to invent him.

He’s on his fourth lawyer, but we’ll get to that in a minute.

In the meantime, enjoy these tidbits from Harvey’s life:

… Barnes said Updyke is a big Alabama fan, saying Updyke ran on the field in 1970 Bluebonnet Bowl with a box of Tide detergent and toilet paper, signifying “Roll Tide.”

Barnes said he and Updyke attended Alabama’s BCS national championship win over Texas in the Rose Bowl at the end of the 2009 season. He also said two of Updyke’s children are Crimson Tyde Updyke and Bear Bryant Updyke. Barnes said he wanted to name another child Ally Bama Updyke, but her mother wouldn’t let him.

It’s good to see where the woman draws the line.  But seriously, is any of that really that crazed?  I mean, consider it in the context of Tahd Nayshun.

I don’t think so.

Anyway, on to Updyke’s lawyer.  He immediately gets plus marks for announcing his representation on Finebaum’s show.  And judging from this comment, he’s not stupid.

… Threatt acknowledged Updyke said on the radio show last month that he said he poisoned the trees.

“He told the police something different. I don’t know him well enough to know if his belief system is consistent with the truth,” Threatt said.

Threatt said “we’re not going to be put in a situation where we’re going to ask where he is insane.”

Smart man.  Especially since his client is currently living in a car in the woods.  Of course, it’s possible that Updyke’s trying to set up a defense that he can hang around trees without poisoning them.

No doubt there’s more to come.  I wonder if they’ll schedule the trial to avoid conflicts with the football schedule.  After all, you know how we are about that sort of stuff in the South.

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Name that caption: The OBC thinks Coors is the tits.

This is simply too good an opportunity to pass up, so get with it, people.

Toomer’s Corner, where the trees have lawyers.

Al from Dadeville’s second attorney requests to be removed from the case,  citing a conflict of interest.

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UPDATE: Lawyer #3 appointed.

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UPDATE #2: Another one bites the dust.  (h/t Doug in the comments)

Best of all is the reason.

Blevins, in court papers, said he asked to be removed because an “irreconcilable conflict arose” between he and Updyke.

Most are probably going to cite that as simply differences in school loyalties, but I’m holding out for the two having a serious disagreement over the level of Updyke’s brain power.  It’s the romantic in me, I suppose.

‘We sold you out to Geico.’

Admittedly, it’s a story about the basketball team and a tradition which I’ve never exactly warmed up to, but, still, this strikes me as both creepy and depressing.

Tom Fell, a senior broadcast news major from Charleston, S.C., was unable to make his signature run reminiscent of the classic “Rocky” films when the University Athletic Association’s marketing and promotions department sold his usual timeout spot to auto insurance company Geico…

… Fell was asked to run through the student section, rather than his usual route at the opposite end of the court, handing out Geico gift cards on the way up, then boxing the Geico mascot — a giant gecko — during the timeout.

In rejecting the offer, even a guy who dresses like this –

Photo by Sarah Caldwell/R&B

– shows that he knows there are limits.  Or at least should be limits.

“But then the game ends, and I could see clearly where these people’s allegiances lie — with Geico, some massive non-local corporate car insurance company who is one of the most advertised companies out there.”

Maybe they can find a way to monetize the halftime show in Sanford Stadium.  The gecko would look great with the girl tossing the batons on fire.

Weis is a genius! A genius, I tells ‘ya!

The Orlando Sentinel is all in on my favorite meme this offseason.

… Florida was one of the worst red-zone teams in the country last year, struggled so much it needed to use three quarterbacks and almost never looked like a team that had things figured out on that side of the ball. Enter Charlie Weis. The Gators’ new offensive coordinator is enough reason to be optimistic that Florida will be much improved here next year. John Brantley is a much better fit for Weis’ pro-style system and could live up to expectations in his senior year.

I’m figuring that by the time everyone gets done with this, Urban Meyer, former offensive guru, will be turned into such an idiot that the WWL will have to get rid of him as an analyst out of sheer embarrassment.

We’re from the NCAA, and we’re here to help. No, really.

It sounds like the NCAA has decided that getting news of potential football recruiting violations from sources like Mike Slive’s office may not be the best course of action.

The NCAA enforcement staff will focus on football recruiting in a new way in the coming months, a project Vice President of Enforcement Julie Roe Lach has discussed with member institutions and the media since assuming her new position last fall.

One big problem right now is that the NCAA doesn’t know much.

… Five investigators from major-enforcement and two from the agents, gambling and amateurism staff will spend the next several months building relationships in the football recruiting world (both scholastic and non-scholastic) and gathering information about what is happening in that sport. AGA Director Rachel Newman Baker will lead the group. The intent is to make sure the enforcement staff becomes as knowledgeable about football recruiting as it has grown to be about basketball recruiting.

“We have an idea of what’s going on, but we don’t want to assume anything,” Lach said. “We are trying to find out what the issues are that we need to be tackling. The idea is just to get more information.”

Because more information builds trust.

… In other words, instead of finding out what has happened after the fact, the NCAA plans to be in on the process as it’s happening. According to our own Bryan Fischer, he talked to a couple of members of the NCAA that told him they were handing out cards to as many players and coaches as they could. This way both sides can remain in touch about what is going on during that player’s recruitment, and could possibly help stave off any kind of trouble. It also sends a message to everybody that the NCAA is aware of what’s going on, which may help keep violations from occuring.

You can see the hole the NCAA has dug for itself here, can’t you?  It’s allowed ignorance of the rules to become embedded in the sanctions process.  If you’re a recruit or a school chasing a high-level prospect, why on earth would you want to alert the NCAA to your awareness of a potential problem and risk losing a plausible (or, in Ohio State’s case, implausible) defense?

Answer:  unless you’re crazy, you wouldn’t.  Which means for this new regime to work, either the NCAA has to toss out ignorance as a defense, which opens it up to all sorts of criticism for being inconsistent, or it has to engage in some serious hair-splitting by determining in certain cases that the parties involved should have known of violations.  In Mark Emmert’s world, my bet is on the latter.

In any event, we can look forward to a future full of awkward moments.  Any organization which admits to being flummoxed by the likes of Cecil Newton is going to have plenty of problems with folks bent on shading the rules.

This just in.

Seth Emerson summarizes how momentous the past couple of months have been for the Georgia program.

What an off season at UGA so far: Aaron Murray broke his ankle, Washaun Ealey was booted off and Ralph Friedgen was hired as O-line coach!

— Seth Emerson (@SethEmerson) February 22, 2011

Well, in an alternate universe…