First, we’ll hang him… then we’ll give him a fair trial.

I don’t have a dog in the Harvey Updyke saga, so for me, it’s just fun to sit back and watch both sides screw with each other.  Of course, given that the crime took place on Auburn’s turf, it’s that side that has most of the leverage, as the terms of this plea offer indicate:

Harvey Updyke, the Alabama fan who is accused of poisoning the famous oak trees at Toomer’s Corner at Auburn University, turned down a plea offer from prosecutors that would have required him to spend 13 years in prison and never attend a Crimson Tide sporting event for the rest of his life, a source close to the case told on Friday.

Thirteen years for poisoning trees is a tad overmuch, but it’s the lifetime ban from ‘Bama games that’s the great touch.

Of course, Updyke’s still trying to land a punch or two of his own.

Wess also asked for a change of venue to move Updyke’s trial out of Auburn, Ala., and also asked Walker to recuse himself from the case because he shares in an Auburn football season ticket pool.

Is there a neutral judge in the entire state of Alabama?

I guess this guy’s lucky nobody filmed his schlong in Auburn.


Filed under Crime and Punishment, Whoa, oh, Alabama

21 responses to “First, we’ll hang him… then we’ll give him a fair trial.

  1. TennesseeDawg

    Bammers not only won the Crystal ball but also took home the inaugural “Krystal Balls” trophy as well.


  2. Spike

    Only in Alabama. You just can’t make this stuff up.


  3. Irishdawg

    This was appalling, but Tiger fans can’t get so outraged; if they had found a passed out Alabama fan, they would have eaten him.


  4. Rocksalt76

    This trial will be one of the most entertaining college football events ever that doesn’t actually involve putting “toe to leather”.

    In my fantasy world the whole trial ends with the judge announcing “30 days community service for vandalism”. As the prosecuting attorney’s jaw slowly drops to the floor, the judge pierces the silence with “….and roll tide”.

    Hell, facts be damned, I think I’ll just go ahead and write the screenplay.


  5. Mike Myers, Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly

    I still can’t get over what that retarded German chap did to Monica Seles – now that was first-rate hooliganism!



    Updyke is one of the stupidest people in the world.
    It has been rumored that long ago, a group of Aggies stole the Texas mascot and had a big barbeque, (I know….. Grizzard said “if it ain’t pig meat, it ain’t barbeque”) but not a one of them has ever gone on the radio and bragged about it.
    If I’m the judge, he gets castrated. He looks too old to procreate, but let’s not take any chances.


  7. Objective Bama Fan

    This isn’t an Alabama-Auburn thang. It is a lunatic fringe thing. Apparently, we have more than our fair share of idiots. As we celebrate, per the University, our 14th national championship in a celebration at the stadium today, it has been a bad week to be a Bama fan. When we should be celebrating our 2nd NC in 3 years, we are talking about 2 knucklehead fans.


  8. PatinDC

    Proper punishment shoud be 13 years of Auburn games. Has to be worse than jail.


  9. Cojones

    Redneck wearing one school’s logo embarrasses and demeans another redneck wearing another school’s logo who is passed out/in/out drunk. The demeaning of one school’s logo appears on internet to further demean that school and the perp “representing” the other school gets arrested and faces hard labor in prison for a sex crime. Both schools had nothing to do with it, but these asswipes drag their names and reputation thru the mud by wearing their logos.

    It makes you want to pass legislation to punish someone for falsely wearing the logo of a school not attended. Then again, where would all the SEC fans come from if it wasn’t for the idiots who furnish the side show? They fill the stands, act like aholes to visitors and tarnish the name of institutions of higher learning. They are reprehensible representatives of the universities they cheer for. Sounds like refugees from the NCAA to me.



      It’s not confined to the SEC. North Avenue has a rich tradition of aholes behaving badly…..from throwing bottles at the Bear to throwing fish at Arrogant Parsegan (I have no idea how to spell his name and I’m not about to look it up), to throwing dog biscuits at Dawg fans, to vandalizing vehicles of opponents fans. Honestly though, you can run into idiots anywhere and everywhere.


    • adam

      He totally could’ve gone to Bama.

      He’s 32. The school is really easy to get into nowadays. 14 years ago… You probably only needed about an 800 on the SAT. And, sadly, that’s not hyperbole.


      • 20 some years ago, ‘Bama had a program where you could be admitted at the end of your junior year in HS. You still had to finish HS, but as long as you did this you were in. I’m not kidding, a buddy of mine did this. I’m not even sure SAT entered the picture.
        Not much of a school, more like a diploma factory.


  10. JayBird

    Only in Tuscaloosa does 6 + 3 = 14….Go back and look at the Alabama game programs from the early ’80’s..educate yourself. Be dang proud of nine.

    bammers have been telling that lie for about 25 years now, so I guess its working. The masses believe it if you tell it enough.