Honestly, imagine waking up and finding this in your Twitter feed.
I'm hearing a repot from a credible source that Texas Longhorns Special Teams Coach Jeff Banks' monkey allegedly attacked and seriously hurt a young Trick-or-Treater last night on Halloween.
The monkey's jaws apparently had to be pried off the small child.
— Tom Campbell (@thomasgcampbell) November 1, 2021
Just to review:
-Jeff Banks leaves wife and kids for stripper known as Pole Assassin (featured on Jerry Springer).
-Texas hires Jeff Banks as special teams coordinator
-Pole Assassin’s monkey (who performs with her) allegedly attacks a trick-or-treater last night— Unnecessary Roughness (@UnnecRoughness) November 2, 2021
I have so many questions.
Get The Picture 
Everyday, someone will be center of attention on Twitter.
You never, ever, ever want that someone to be you.
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As a reference point, Dan Mullen has been trending for consecutive days… which is not great.
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You definitely don’t want that.
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Everything’s bigger in Texas including bad life choices.
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Solid hire there, Sark!
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And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why you never hire men who live with strippers and monkeys.
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Haha, I was going to say “as much as I always wanted to get with a stripper, it’s probably a good thing that I never did”.
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Hooked up with one a few times back in the day. Totally worth it. Good times. Life’s too short to turn down an opportunity like that.
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My Dawg…I used to chastise a good friend of mine who regularly bedded girls from the Cypress Lounge (we called it the Syphilis Lounge)…I’d always tell him not to go downtown because it would be the equivalent of licking someone’s soles who had “grocery store feet”…that nasty humanoid did it anyway…to be young and stupid again, glory days
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“Yeah, I dated a stripper once, and if Montel Williams wants to talk shit, he can go fuck himself because those charges were dropped!”—Kenny Powers and TX Special Teams coaches apparently.
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Bet Banks had a pretty good run there for a minute tho! Sure could do worse than a fling with a stripper/stripper monkey.
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And I thought I was the only one who goes apeshit over Halloween candy.
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Most days I want to exit the Twitter life forever. The, there are days when you realize you cannot live without it.
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Disagree. I quit it for good during advent 2019 and have never looked back. Give it a try for a month and you’ll realize how few and far between those “need it” moments really are.
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I dropped Twitter last year. Literally, the only thing I miss is seeing Kirby tweet “Go Dawgs!” after a commitment.
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I never started with Twitter or any other social media as I am still mired in the cesspool of Facebook.
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Yeeesh. I certainly hope the poor kid was given a tetanus shot or whatever the standard of care is these days. 101 years ago, the King of Greece was bitten by his pet monkey and died from it, setting off a chain of events that led to war between Greece and Turkey. Disastrous defeat for the Greeks was the result. for the Greeks.
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So you’re saying Dallas may invade Austin over this?
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Which brings up the foreign policy question, if Russia tried to enter Turkey, would Greece help?
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I suspect that would depend on the basting tube LOL
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Texas played at Baylor at noon on Saturday. I kind of doubt he was home when this happened. They wouldn’t have even been leaving Waco until around 5 or later.
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Nevermind, Halloween was Sunday. Been a weird few days.
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Apparently Sark used Lane Kiffin’s method of evaluating how well a coach can recruit when hiring Jeff Banks. Pulling a stripper puts a coach at the top of Joey Freshwater’s list.
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Might want to have a gander at this one…..she ain’t Gold Club talent.
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But for the dearth of career opportunities for Ms. Assassin in State College, PA, is there any doubt that Banks would be the Assistant Head Coach at Penn State right now?
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This sounds like a Carl Hiassen book. Does that make McConaughey the eccentric, sugar baron pulling the strings behind the scenes.
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I’ve seen the Longhorns’ run defense, and they need to try out that monkey at linebacker ASAP.
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Do you really have more questions? It mean its a pretty straightforward case of pole dancer monkey lockjaw. All pretty standard fare for twitter these days.
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Pole Dancer? Feels like a OSU opportunity to me. The monkey should be put down. (And please don’t start on they shouldn’t have had the Monkey. Agree – but the Monkey attacked a child – now should be a dead monkey). Oh, the and he should be fired.
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Yeah, if it was my child, the line ‘monkey’s jaws had to be pried off’ would be replaced with ‘monkey’s neck was broken to make it let go’.
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Nah… I’m on the monkey’s side– it probably wasn’t being paid.
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“Touch my monkey!” “Oops….bad monkey.”
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That’s some monkeying around
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Jeff, I hope PA was worth the (literal) ride because there’s an Austin, TX family that’s about to have all of your and hers money.
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I guess he’ll have to “spank the monkey”.
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Once again the old adage that truth is stranger then fiction is proven correct. You’d be hard pressed to make something up that’s as bizarre as this whole story is.
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When you have a stripper girlfriend in your 20’s, it’s awesome and you’re awesome.
When you leave your wife and four kids to have a stripper girlfriend in your 40’s, the red flags become infinite.
How the hell could Sark let a guy with this many red flags into his program???
And how could anyone anywhere else actually think this guy with this many red flags could be a candidate for their head coaching job? Yes, it’s true, many Wazzu fans actually were thinking this prior to this thing happening.
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Sark is a “red flag” guy too. He dumped his first wife for a twenty-something as well.
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Are Trick or Treaters invitees and is a monkey an inherently dangerous animal in Texas? It is a good thing this guy is rich.
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The monkey has entered the transfer portal and will play on defense for Florida. Who says Dan can’t recruit. Top that Kirby!
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Texas is ba… messed up.
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But wouldn’t this be the most Florida (the state, not UF) thing ever?
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Monkeys can be a problem.
There are a couple of sea-stories I’ll be kind enough to not share.
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Monkey and a stripper. Sounds kind of like an old Richard Pryor routine he did about an over sexed monkey that would get out of it’s cage and had no self control (this is the G rated description)
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I have a friend who had the classic commentary on this episode: “This is too crazy for Tarantino to have ever thought about putting in one of his movies.”
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Bob Bowlsby to Texas this morning…
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I’m just happy it wasn’t his pet Monken.
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You should clarify that this is not just a basic stripper monkey, this is an EMOTIONAL SUPPORT STRIPPER MONKEY!
EMOTIONAL SUPPORT STRIPPER MONKEY is my new band name! I just called it.
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I would pay to hear a band like that…every stripper needs an emotional support monkey…cause when shit hits the fan, those little bastards can pick it up and sling it right back at you…🙈
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Perhaps we should play Pixies covers!
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Maybe Sarkisian passed the bottle to the Monkey.
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