Category Archives: Envy and Jealousy

Envy and jealousy, one sentence edition

I didn’t think anything could make me smile about yesterday’s events at the Capitol…

I needed that.


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Envy and jealousy, livin’ the dream edition

DavetheDawg is my hero.  He should be yours, too.

I can’t imagine anything more 2020 than that.  You listening, football gods?


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Envy and jealousy, burnt Urnge edition

Easily the best lede of any piece I’ve read so far this season:

The “We led Georgia at halftime and Alabama didn’t” T-shirts aren’t exactly flying off the shelves in Knoxville this week.

If those actually exist, they’re soon to be seen in footage from some third-world country.


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Envy and jealousy, outside looking in edition

Believe it or not, the best write up of last night’s game I’ve come across so far is in the Washington Post.  A sample:

First, Bennett faced a scary rush from Big Kat Bryant and Derick Hall, ran like a wise man to his left and threw to Jackson for 17 yards along the left sideline. Everything awakened. Cylinders began to look oiled. White, one of two excellent backs for a program that often seems to have two excellent backs, scored easily from the 1 through a hole through which a pandemic food-delivery truck could drive. The Georgia offense with new coordinator Todd Monken, which in another edition finished 46th in the country in yards per play last year, and 72nd in passing offense, began to flirt with an unfamiliar adjective: unstoppable.

Inject that directly into my veins, please.


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Envy and jealousy, manball edition

Screenshot_2020-08-24 DawgStats on Twitter

In summing up last season’s offensive approach, it’s gonna be hard to top UGA offensive Plan B was outstanding Defense. for succinctness.  No matter how Kirby Smart doth otherwise protest too much.


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Envy and jealousy, could’a been a contendah edition

Pete Fiutak looks at how the SEC season shapes up after the new scheduling is disclosed and tosses out this one-liner:

Fans of Tennessee won’t be happy with 5-5, but Charlotte, Furman and Troy were supposed to make this a special year…

Seriously, that may be the greatest throwaway line of Fiutak’s career.


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Envy and jealousy,”I feel really good about canceling the sport” edition

You know, my first thought was to post something about this piece, because it really sums up my feelings about how absurd the whole “the media wants to cancel the college football season” whinefest really is, but then I thought about the shitstorm that might ensue if I did, so I said to myself, nah.

Then I said to myself, screw it.  Because, in the immortal words of King Kaiser, “you never cut funny.”

You don’t have to look far to find somebody who blames the media for canceling the college football season, and says we are trying to cancel NFL season, too. I will be blunt here: This ticks me off. “The media” is not canceling college football season. I am doing it all by myself, thank you very much.

Look, we all got bored and anxious during quarantine. Some people put together jigsaw puzzles. I dismantled a sport. It helped pass the time.

You might wonder if I was “rooting for the virus.” Well, duh. What self-respecting journalist would not root for a virus that has killed 160,000 Americans? It all falls under the umbrella of being a bad person, O.K.?

Of course, it’s “better” for sportswriters to have “sports” to cover. It gives us “work” which helps us get “paid.” But I am devoted to my passion of being a bad person, and sometimes—I recognize the irony here—being a bad person means being unselfish. If I can work and get paid, my colleagues can work and get paid. That’s a non-starter for me.

The scare quotes really tie the piece together.


UPDATE:  Well, if it’s not the media

Given this backdrop, the decision of major college conferences—especially the Big Ten and PAC 12—to abandon football this fall, understandably disgusts Americans. The soft and selfish administrators of universities and their NCAA conferences have stolen a season away from young athletes and deprived adoring alumni and fans of the rituals of autumn.

Why? For politics.


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Envy and jealousy, we’re gonna need a bigger mirror edition

What he said.

So it might just be an impossible haul, and it brings me no joy to say that. I love college football, even with all its moral failings. College football Saturdays in a town like Athens, where I live, can be absolutely joyous. (Particularly with a lot of bourbon.) But the failings of college football go beyond just the coronavirus and this country’s hapless attempts to handle it. This sport has deep, corrosive structural issues, and it’s possible that even if Trump had contained this virus in the early stages, college football would still be having trouble getting on the field this year without a vaccine. But the same stubbornness that binds people to Trump — and against basic science — is the same stubbornness that led college football fans to pretend this year could go on whether they wore a mask to the grocery store or not. Many of the same people who desperately want college football on their televisions this fall are the same people who have been downplaying this virus for months and whose behavior has led to the surge that’s now keeping their favorite game off the field.

Or who say the players can’t be trusted to make wise decisions with their NIL rights, but should absolutely be trusted when they say they want to play.


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Envy and jealousy, best snark ever edition


Perfection in a sentence.  Five stars.


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Envy and jealousy, what Michigan State hath wrought edition

In the wake of a 5-7 head coach getting a mammoth contract to induce him to change jobs, tell me Pat Forde is wrong when he writes this:

College revenue sports have never been as stupid as they are right now—as riddled with hypocrisy and inconsistency, as rife with fiscal irresponsibility, as drunk on revenue, as lacking in strong leadership. Men’s basketball is a diminished product that elite players view as a necessary evil, while administrators remain in denial about the underground economy that ran the sport for decades. Football is an increasing caste system that rewards outrageous and irresponsible spending as the Power 5 conferences stratify into the Power 2 Plus Clemson.

Mind you, stupid isn’t the same thing as wrong.  The jokers running athletic departments may be dumbasses, but it’s their money to spend.  Just don’t try to pretend things make any more sense than that.


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