The derp, it burns.

There are a few “never start a land war in Asia”-type rules I try to follow when surfing the Intertubes for grist for the GTP mill – don’t click on Bleacher Report slide shows, don’t look at the AJ-C comment threads, etc. – but at the top of my list is to avoid reading what Clay Travis writes.

I broke my rule today.

In my defense, I couldn’t help it.  I admit it; I got sucked in with this provocative header.

I really should have known better. Travis, after all, is the guy who thought NCAA amateurism made Cecil Newton blameless.  So it’s really no huge leap to go from that to arguing that Northwestern should just go ahead and pay its football players because all that will happen as a result is that the NCAA will be “upset”.  I’m not kidding.  “Sure, the NCAA would be upset, but what do you want Northwestern to do, not comply with federal law? The NCAA is a voluntary organization, its rules have no force of law.”

Perhaps SMU can tell Travis about what happens when the NCAA gets upset about players getting paid.  Jeebus.

It’s truly pathetic that a college kid like Kolton Houston has a better grasp on the relationship between schools, the NCAA and student-athletes than that.

My only hope for Travis is that this was a feeble attempt at a April Fools column.

Somebody needs a big ole steaming mug of STFU.

Barry Switzer goes from calling Johnny Football an “arrogant little prick” to, well, I don’t know… full-blown crank with this gem:

“I’ve always said I’d never recruit a white quarterback. The only way I’d ever recruit a white quarterback to play for me is if his mom and daddy would both have to be black, and that’s the only way I would do it. My quarterback is a quarterback-fullback offense – how the wishbone was. I’d have to have a Jamelle Holieway, J.C. Watts and Thomas Lott (former Oklahoma quarterbacks who are all black). Those guys are gonna be my quarterbacks – great runners, great ball carriers and be able to pass. Those guys could throw and run.”

Geez, maybe somebody should get his opinion on Michael Sam.

“I can see it getting really ugly.”

I’ve got to say, if I found out my school was making a pitch like this on the recruiting trail, I’d be offended.

Multiple SEC assistants say that Sam’s coming out will be used by rival schools to negatively recruit against Missouri. “Coaches are going to be all over this,” said one assistant at another school.

If that sounds like backward thinking, that’s because it is. It also provides insight into the way football coaches operate. Some are tactful in how they approach things. Others, not so much.

“It’s a powder keg just waiting to explode,” the assistant said.

The assistant predicts that opposing coaches will pose a number of questions. “Why did [Missouri] cover this up?” the assistant said. “What else are they hiding? What were they trying to do? Keep a secret society?”

Not because of the prejudice.  Because it’s so effing stupid.  A secret society of teh gay?  What?  There ain’t a school in the SEC that doesn’t have secrets.  So what’s the real message supposed to be here – “come to our program where we try to keep a lid on old-fashioned, apple pie, American issues like rape, drugs and assault”?  Or, “don’t be fooled by a team having one of its players’ back, here’s the real dope”?  After all, what kid wouldn’t be swayed by that?

Honestly, I can’t think of a program that would be moronic enough to push something like that, unless there’s a five-star recruit on Duck Dynasty in next year’s class.  (I keed, I keed.)  Maybe it’s a form of reverse psychology – every SEC coach can deny with all his heart that his school would resort to something like that.

 Sports Illustrated really ought to be ashamed of itself for publishing that tripe.

Rape accusations just aren’t what they used to be.

Is it just me, or does anyone else find some of the peripheral responses to the announcement of and later reactions to the decision not to pursue criminal charges against Jameis Winston appallingly tacky?  You had the bizarre laughter from some of the press corps attending the state attorney’s press conference (not to mention the SA’s strange attempt at humor himself).  Then there was the question from the radio station employee to Winston’s attorney about whether the victim’s family had Alabama ties.  And now this:

I mean, shit, people, whether you think Winston got off lightly or the accuser was in the wrong, ain’t nothing unserious about this at all.  If you can’t show a little class, at least settle for a little respect.

Why we can’t have nice bowl matchups.

Boy, here’s a ringing endorsement from Georgia’s athletic director:

“I would be more concerned it if were the same city, same site. For our players and staff, they’ve never really spent more than one night, actually never in Jacksonville. It’s always been St. Augustine. Heck, we play teams every year regardless. We play Auburn every year, we play (Georgia) Tech every year. In that case, people have always turned out in great numbers.”

I don’t know about you, but that comment doesn’t exactly give me goosebumps.

I was prepared to go all “if you don’t want a disappointing bowl opponent, Dawgs, don’t lose to Vanderbilt” on you this morning, but there might be an actual villain to blame for not getting the Georgia-Michigan meeting many of us were hoping for in Jacksonville.

Believe it or not, it sounds like Georgia’s bowl woes can be blamed on Kansas State head coach Bill Snyder.  No, really.

It was an up-and-down day as we awaited the official announcement. We expected Nebraska, then we were cruelly teased with the prospect of facing off against Michigan. Then it switched back to Nebraska again, much to our dismay. But in the end, Bill Snyder avoided having to face a loose cannon who once nearly assaulted him on the sideline, and I wouldn’t be surprised to discover that this is what the negotiations ultimately revolved around.

Bill Snyder doesn’t like Bo Pelini.  At all.  So we get Bo instead, for the second straight year.

You know, Snyder is well-known for writing letters.  Maybe he should consider writing our fan base one.

Tuesday morning buffet

Dig in, peeps.

• Injury report:  Gurley practiced, Matthews is a full go, Lynch’s ribs hurt and no Conley.
• Malcolm Mitchell starts a trend, as a Kentucky receiver goes down with an ACL injury incurred while celebrating.
• This whole piece is based on a faulty premise.  Everyone knows Florida didn’t start playing football until 1990.
• News of more recent vintage:  the Gators may wind up finishing unranked for the third time in four years.  Ouch.
• It’s not so much that I question the data here – honestly, I have no idea if TAMU is fudging the numbers or not – it’s that I’m more than a little surprised that the school is pushing a story like that.
• If I gave out a commenter of the year award at GTP, it would have to go to one of the guys who pimped Aaron Murray’s bad QBR.
• Justin Scott-Wesley shows remorse.  Jimmy Williamson smiles.
• Douche nozzle of the week award goes to… Dan Sileo.

Things you may have missed from the weekend, part one.

Ledes don’t get much better than this one:

A Pittsburgh-area high school teacher who police say confessed to arriving at school high on heroin and passing out in class had only two words for comment-seeking media members today: “Roll Tide.”

And a happy ending, to boot – it looks like he won’t be serving any jail time over it.  (The no comment is kind of disappointing, though.)

I’m sure he meant well.

In case you hadn’t noticed, Keith Olbermann is a preening douchebag.

Sure enough Gramatica’s name was brought up by ESPN’s Keith Olbermann on Monday night when he decided to make Mitchell one of the night’s “worse” persons in the sports world for not learning from the mistakes of others.

Seriously, Malcolm Mitchell accidentally hurting himself while celebrating a team highlight in a big game makes him an asshole?

Olbermann earned a spot for himself on his own list.

Thursday morning buffet

Finally, it’s here.  Celebrate with the buffet.

• Here’s a team-by-team look at the SEC in season-openers.
• Statistical pessimism about Georgia’s 2013 season here.
• Year2 explores how much a bye week matters.
• George O’Leary demonstrates that he’s not just an ordinary asshole, he’s a tone-deaf asshole.
• MaconDawg ranks the SEC coaches on likeability.
• The War on Drugs is widely seen as an abject failure, but Georgia’s new president decides to go all in on Michael Adams’ quest to have the SEC adopt a uniform drug policy, presumably matching his own.  Good luck with that, Jere.
• The season hasn’t started, but Paul Johnson is already in mid-season complaint form.  On the one hand, “It’s a big mistake to think that teams play for their league.”  On the other, “If you watch ESPN, it’s a 24-hour non-stop commercial for the SEC.”
• Here’s some lazy, clichéd Aaron Murray talk from Matt Hayes.
• If you’re interested in stuff like this, here’s a post on all the uniform changes in college football this season.

Morons are entitled to celebrate freedom, too.

My go-to July Fourth clip:

Love ya’, Murica.  Happy birthday!