Fast programming on the Big Ten Network

Pete Fiutak’s “Cavalcade of Whimsy” has started back up on CFN.  His first two pieces are, for the most part, pretty lame (Darren McFadden is overrated?), but he does strike comedy gold with this bit on the first day’s programming at the Big Ten Network:

The first day of programming on the Big Ten Network has just been announced …
– 11 am: The symbolic launch time was going to be 10 am, but like the misnamed league itself, it starts at 11.
– 11 am to 11:01 am: Great Ohio State Performances vs. the SEC
– 11:01 am to 11:05 am: Ads for the Big Ten Network
– 11:05 am to 11:30 am: Dr. Phil: Helping Michigan State cope with living in Michigan’s shadow
– 11:30 am to 12:30 pm: The Jim Tressel Variety Hour. Along with his always edgy monologue, watch as the Buckeye coach performs magic, does a little soft-shoe, and joins Sanjaya to bring down the house with a rendition of “Besame Mucho.”
– 12:30 to 12:31: Great Moments in Non-Revenue Sports History
– 12:31 to 12:40: Ads for the Big Ten Network
– 12:40 to 12:42: Michigan Running Backs and the NFL
– 12:42 to 1: Ads for the Big Ten Network
– 1 to 2: Flavor of Zook
– 2 to 3: The BTN True Hollywood Story: Iowa and the 1986 Rose Bowl
– 3 to 4: The Joe Paterno Party Machine. The legendary head coach welcomes Common, Hot Dollar, and Maroon 5
– 4 to 5: Pat Fitzgerald is 35 … and Coaching
– 5 to 6: Battle of the Mediocre Former Head Coaches. Watch as John Gutekunst, John Mackovic, Jim Colletto, Bobby Williams and Don Morton compete in media relations, film study, booster kissing and maintaining institutional control.
– 6 to 7: What Not To Wear: Stacy and Clinton raid Joe Tiller’s wardrobe and subject him to the 360-degree mirror in an attempt to makeover the Purdue head coach
– 7 to 7:30: Ads for the Big Ten Network
– 7:30 to 8: Top Chef: Trying to recreate the Wisconsin experience with brats, La Bamba burritos and Parthenon gyros
– 8 pm to 11 am: A loop of the Total Gym infomercial, hosted by Chuck Norris and Christie Brinkley 

I would have added something about Iowa volleyball and fast players, but other than that, it’s pretty funny.