Help wanted.

Perhaps you’ve heard that Utah AG Mark Shurtleff has begun the process of assembling a crack legal team to have a go at making an antitrust challenge to the BCS.  He’s taking the rather innovative step of soliciting information from attorneys at this website.

What you may not know is that Shurtleff already has a backup plan in place in the event that he’s unable to find qualified help in this manner.  In an exclusive, GTP has learned that Shurtleff’s next option involves hiring a creative marketing team which is ready to engage in a direct e-mail approach to lawyers across the country using this message:

Dear Friend,

I wish to approach you with a request that would be of immense benefit to
both of us. I am an attorney based in the state of Utah. I want you
and I to make some fortune out of a situation that I am obviously left
with no other better option. The issue that I am presenting to you is a
case of a group of wealthy, arrogant institutions of higher learning which have
conspired to prevent sharing a sizable sum of money they receive each year
with other such institutions which lack their clout. It is unfortunate that the
institutions I seek to represent have been unable to attract greater interest
in the marketplace.

I am now faced with a problem of getting a trusted person who I will make the
beneficiary of a share of an enormous legal fee in the event that we are able
to convince the courts that the institutions on which behalf I will assert a
claim are being cheated out of their rightful inheritance.

However, I personally don’t belong to such school of thought that proposes
that such fortune be given to the government because this is cheating and
is possible that the top government officials for their own selfish
interest could divert the fortune. Because of this I am contacting you to
seek your acting as the lead attorney of the antitrust claim. I am my client
attorney and I alone knew about this will. Upon indication of your interests, all I
will do is to amend the lawsuit by fitting in your name as the supposed
lead counsel and back it up with a sworn affidavit, which automatically
became valid. This amendment should be between us and must not leak out to
anyone. It is absolutely confidential.

I have complete information of a bank account details with an
outstanding balance of $17,000,000,000.00USD ($17 Billion USD). To make
you be sure of this, I can provide you with details of the bank to enable
you to log on to the account to confirm this balance. I know that you
would be apprehensive and feel that this is a big sum, but it does not
matter because this is a claim being passed on to new lead counsel and you
are the available lead counsel.

As I am not very sure of getting your consent yet on the issue, I prefer
not to divulge my full identity so as not to risk being disbarred. Until I
am sure of your consent and full cooperation then I will not be afraid to
give you my full identity. In the meanwhile, I would prefer that we
maintain correspondence by email and fax. At this point I want to assure
you that your true consent, full cooperation and confidentiality are all
that are required to enable us to take full advantage of this golden

I shall make representation to the legal courts to facilitate the
amendment process within three working days. Since this is a transaction
of immense benefit to both of us, I would want that we shared all expenses
according to our agreed sharing ratio of the fortune. The sharing ratio
shall be 60% for me and 40% for you. This shall also be applicable to all
expenditures that would be incurred in the course of the transaction
because I wouldn?t want either of us to feel cheated. Please note that
this is a legal and risk free transaction that does not in anyway hamper
the monetary laws of your country. It is an antitrust award.

If you are interested to work with me, please provide me with your name,
address, nationality, age, and date of birth, height, and phone and fax
numbers as required for the amendment of the WILL. On completion of this,
I will send you a copy of the amended WILL which you will fax to the bank
with a back up letter written by your good self requesting for the release
of the fund to you. I will also write to the bank as the legal
representative of my client before his demise, ordering for the transfer
of the fund to you, as the beneficiary of his will.

I will appreciate your urgent response in this regard. Thanks for your
anticipated cooperation.You can as well reach me on

Yours faithfully,
M. S.

There is no truth to the rumor that Shurtleff is prepared to turn to matchbook covers in the event that the above fails to generate sufficiently acceptable candidates.


Filed under BCS/Playoffs, Political Wankery

9 responses to “Help wanted.

  1. TennesseeDawg

    I didn’t have Division 1 athletic ability coming out of high school football but I feel UGA unfairly refused to offer me a football scholarship. I’m thinking about suing.


  2. Chuck

    LMAO. You spent way too much time on that, but thanks.


  3. Hogbody "Was That a Siren" Spradlin

    How about some of those firms in Tom Wolfe books. They’re top talent.

    I heard King & Spalding wanted to bid for the work but they caved to pressure from another client.


  4. dawghouse23

    I just got an email from the someone representing a wealthy business man in Qatar that wants to transfer his money to an account in the U.S. He offered me a large some of money that will be transferred to my bank account if I agree to help. All I have to do is send him my account information and we’ll get started. I think I’ll try it.

    But I won the UK lottery for 100 mil the other day to. So I’ve got options.


    • Hogbody Spradlin

      Qatar is for pikers. You don’t make the big time till you get an offer on behalf of the recently deceased Nigerian Minister of the Treasury.


      • Wonderful Ohio on the Gulf 'Dog

        I got an offer from the recently deceased Nigerian Minister of the Treasury. Himself. I didn’t write back to ask how he managed to write his offer, though.

        Maybe I should have.


  5. Vlad the Impaler, Attorney and Counselor, Chartered*

    Good day dear M.S.

    I have read your most excellent proposal seeking co-counsel and my trusted assistant is getting items you requested together and shall very urgently respond. While she is doing that, because I admire your business ability, I am authorized to make the following offer from one of my many foreign national Doctor auditing and account department manager clients to you because I trust you and you will no longer be lead counsel in the other case because I will.

    Office of the manager audit and accounts department Biao Bank Cote D’Ivoire Dr. Paul Konan

    Attention please:

    I am the above mentioned name with said office position. I am contacting you regarding a business transaction which I wish to execute with the help of a foreigner. There is an account here in our bank with a credit balance of Twenty Two Million United State Dollars
    ($22 Million.) this money has been dormant for years and as am talking to you now, this said account is without any beneficiary or heir.

    I have explored all options and decided on executing this deal with a foreigner. Now I want to know if you are capable of receiving this money into your foreign account and have 40% of it as your share: I will provide every information and materials we will need to back up the claim and ensure that our bank releases the fund to you as the beneficiary to the account.

    I have worked out everything before contacting you so you shouldn’t be
    afraid of anything as we will follow the official way to get the bank
    approve the fund to you. I will give you all the details regarding this account and the transfer as soon as I hear from you and please make this proposal a top secret and delete it if you are not interested.

    I shall expect your very urgent respond.

    Best Regards.
    Dr. Paul Konan

    *Vlad operates a boutique collections, recovery and investment outfit from pack and ship stores and his Land Rover. Results will vary from time to time.